Week 66 - Feeling non-feelings?

A few weeks ago I wrote about how our feelings are the information vehicles connecting us to our needs.

If we are experiencing negative feelings (sad, angry, frustrated, etc) those feelings are telling us that we have needs that are not being met.

If we were experiencing positive feelings (content, happy, fulfilled, etc) those feelings are telling us that our needs are in fact being met.

Comprende? Just in case you don't, here is a helpful handout of our Feelings & Needs. 

OK cool. But there is a funny thing that happens in the English language where we use the word “feel” when we’re not actually experiencing a feeling.

Before I unpack that mind twister, let’s just talk about what even is a feeling.

A feeling is something that is experienced and sensed in our bodies. When we feel sad, our heart aches and tears may form. When we are angry, our heartbeat speeds up, we get hot maybe even sweaty. These are experiences in the body. That’s what a feeling is.

Another easy way to know if something is a feeling or a non-feeling is to think “could I act out this feeling?’ Like mad, that would be easy to act-out. Or surprised, easy to act out.

But what aren’t easy or possible to act on are these sneaky non-feelings. Let me give you a handful of examples:

Betrayed, misunderstood, unappreciated, rejected, insulted, let down.

Now, you’ll look at this list and say “yea but I have felt all of these things before” Totally. So have I.

But what makes these sneaky non-feelings are that they are all interpretations of others actions rather than statements about how we are feeling. Someone is doing something to us and that is creating feelings in us. But what feelings?

Let’s look at betrayed. If you’re feeling betrayed, what might be the real feelings you are experiencing? Anger, hurt, ashamed, grief, maybe even perplexed. And others but let’s just keep it simple.

But do you see how there are many feelings behind the non-feeling of betrayed?

And how being able to name the feelings you’re actually experiencing takes the blame part of it out and brings us back to ourselves and what is true for us. Versus what someone has done to us. That happened. It typically sucks. But what is here now?

It also shifts us out of judgement. If you’re feeling betrayed by someone, maybe you’d exclaim “you betrayed me!” Which would probably send that person into defending themselves. Versus if you expressed “I’m feeling hurt, angry, grief and perplexed by your actions.” I don’t know about you, but I would not feel as defensive. That statement makes me feel inquisitive. Like what did I do to make you feel those ways? Help me understand.

And NOW we’re having a conversation versus an argument full of blame, judgement, and accusations. Do you see the difference?

So now that we understand the real feelings happening, we can better understand the unmet need as well. Maybe it’s connection or acceptance or support and inclusion.

That’s the beauty of understanding the language of feelings. Once you are well versed in this language, you can so much easier figure out what need is or isn’t being met. Which then puts us back in the drivers seat. We can either go meet our need or make a request for it.

Why am I sharing this? Well this is your ticket to understanding yourself. If you can understand how you feel, you can understand what you need. And if you can understand that, well my friend you are winning at life.

I work with a lot of people and I can tell you that 99.9% of the time, their problems are caused by unmet needs that they don’t even know that they have. And the feelings they are consistently having are stress, exhaustion, frustration, anxiety, etc.

But what if you could dissect what all your stress, anxiety, frustration and exhaustion was actually about. And that you could then go do something about fulfilling those needs. Wouldn’t your life be so much more manageable? Exactly. That’s the whole thing. By mastering your feelings, you master your life. Period.

Now, why didn’t anyone teach us this stuff in school, I DONT KNOW. Why do I know the Pythagorean theory instead??

But alas, here we are. Humans walking around stressed, anxious and frustrated 98% of the time and we have NO idea why, other than to blame other people for it (they betrayed me, they don’t understand me, etc). You see how that doesn’t help at all? Those non-feelings are keeping us stuck. Keeping us in blame and suffering with no way out.

Turn those non-feelings into real feelings and get back into the drivers seat of your own life.