Week 32 - Identity Crisis

I’m back in Toronto this week and boy it’s been a tough one. I’ve been grappling all week with both the physical and emotion turmoil that coming back to Toronto brings up in me. Every time I think I’m prepared for it and every time I deceive myself. I’ve literally had a headache for the last week - the physical manifestation of what living in Toronto does to me.

For starters, I live at a VERY loud intersection - no word of a lie, I was woken up at 3:30am by 2 drunk buffoons  on Saturday night yelling at each other on the street for 10 minutes about how many fucks they didn’t give and how the other one should ‘come at me bro’.  I can’t rolls my eyes hard enough.

I’ve been trying to work through my feelings all week - going down rabbit holes to try to make sense of what I’m even feeling. It was only after having a session with my coach that it finally started to make sense.

What this is really about is actually a crisis of identity. I’ve lived my whole adult life in Toronto - my entire 20s and into my thirties. This city and I have been through A LOT. But that identity is no longer me and every time I come back here I’m confronted with this past version of myself that doesn’t even exists except in memories.

But at the same time, as much as it’s no longer me, I haven’t fully comes to terms with having to let her go. There are parts of her I still miss sometimes - but more in the nostalgic sense. Like no chance could I ever go out to a club until 2am right now. Ok I COULD. I don’t want to is the point. My values and priorities are sooo different now and the things that used to feel fun no longer do.

A part of that old identity was going out and drinking socially. And now drinking no longer has a prominent role in my life. Drinking was something that used to make me feel good. When I felt good I wanted to have a drink. When I felt bad, I wanted to have a drink to feel better.

But this week, I got to experience my new identity in a way I never have before. I have not felt good all week and not ONCE did I even think about having a drink. It never even occurred to me to pour myself a glass of red wine. And that’s when I knew that I was no longer the Toronto Alli I’ve known for the past 15 years.

Another part of that old identity was wrapped up in being in the corporate world and all the comforts and delusions that come with that. Now that it’s almost been a full year of leaving that world, it’s finally feeling far enough in the past that it no longer is part of my current identity. I’m finally finding a groove within the nomadic life that Ive been living and then I come back to Toronto and nothing makes sense anymore. I might be home but I don’t feel AT HOME here.

What I know for sure is that I need to be in nature, in the warmth, and in community with people who inspire me. That’s what traveling has taught me this past year. And that is quite frankly an entirely new identity then who I was before.

The only way to create a new identity is to make deposits into it every day. So let’s say you’re trying to get healthy, so your future identity is that of a healthy person. So when you have to choose between the burger or the salad, you say to yourself “What would a healthy person choose?” And that’s how you make the choice because in doing so you’re making a deposit into that future identity. And when you do that consistently enough, one day you just become that new identity.

So for me I had an identity around drinking but I’ve been consistently over the last year making choices that do not align with that identity. I make decision that align with a non-drinkers identity: go to bed early, don’t stay out late, don’t go to bars at night, go on hikes instead, etc. So I actively created this new identity.

So what identity are you upholding right now?

In what ways is it serving you?

In what ways is it holding you back?

Identity is one of the most powerful drivers of everything we do. Getting clear on yours is critical in your growth, especially if you’re trying to achieve something you’ve never done or have fears around.

You control your identity by making choices every day about what you do and do not do.

What identity do you need to create to be truly fulfilled?